After 12 yrs of dealing with BP, I've finally come to terms with the power of BiPolar Disorder. I'd been in denial for a good part of those years, not wanting to let go. Trying to control it. Own it. Make it work. My on again off again love affair w/ drugs and alcohol led me down a path of destruction that was totally avoidable. Yes, I was 'misunderstood', constantly searching for "The Why". I would ride the highs and fightkickscratch through the severe lows. Once the sun peaked through my black cloud of depression, I always allow amnesics to set in. "That wasn't that bad". And off I went. Back to my old ways. I loved when my brain would 'burn'. When I could put a pen to my journal and sizzle. Whether it be a movie premise, business idea, conceptualizing an event or designing a space. Optimistic. Eager to test my limits. Trial and much error. The rage to master. It must've been terrifying to my loved ones to see me spin out of control. Tough. I'm going for it. I'm OK. Let's go.
Sometimes slowly but always surely, I would find myself in the same rut as before. What happened? What was I thinking? The fact was that I didn't respect BiPolar Disorder. The disease. The Gift. Much like a finely tuned race car, BP must be maintained. Managed. A cerebral garden that needs to be kept. We need to have a support system in place. The inner drive(will) to carry on. The ability to fight. The willingness to accept the truth about our illness - that it is real. And in time, this truth(the why) will set you free.
I'm very grateful for the way my friends/family have handled my journey. We really find out who our true friends are during the tough times. I know we all love our mania. But I've found that as each high and low pass, I prefer to stay just slightly left of center(hypo). And this achieved by staying on top of your meds. Making a point to exercise. A healthy diet and an open mind.
Keep on keepin on - GM
Showing posts with label bipolar disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bipolar disorder. Show all posts
Sunday
NFL Films Documentary Covers Bipolar Disorder
My battle with bipolar disorder while playing with the Baltimore Ravens in 1997 has recently sparked interest in the media. Dave Douglas, the senior producer at NFL Films, just so happened to stumble upon the article 'Hang Em High'(http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1164005/1/index.htm), which appeared in the December 21 2009 issue of Sports Illustrated . The article takes a look into the 'art of punting' - The history of the position, the pressure to perform and the importance of the NFL punter in the 21st century. The author, John Ed Bradley, called me in August of 2009 and asked me if I would contribute to his piece. I agreed.
After an animated 2.5 hour interview, I was convinced that 'my story' was finally going to be told - The injuring of my lower back in high school.....the painful transition from linebacker/tight end on the football team and defense-man on the ice hockey team to 'just a punter'.......at the age of 16 vowing to become a 'professional specialist in the NFL in the year 1988' ......three-time All-Big Ten, two-time All American at Michigan St.......drafted in the 3rd round by the Houston Oilers(72nd pick) ...... becoming the best in the NFL(1990,1992,1992)... the hours of rehabilitation.....the hundreds of massages and injections.......and finally, the way I personally dealt with the anxiety of playing my whole career with the pain - a broken vertebrae(L4), torn labrum in my hip(plant leg) and torn quadriceps(kicking leg). And it was this anxiety, my personal pressure to be the best on the planet , that manifested into bipolar disorder.
A long story short. In the Sports Illustrated article, my career was summed up as 'having a panic attack before a game' and a mis-quote from 'Days of Thunder'. The oversight was most likely due to editing, word count and/or time constraints. But that being said, it still didn't sit very well with me, my family and friends.
Thank God For Editing
After reading the article, Dave Douglas, the senior producer at NFL Films, called me to ask if I would be interested in telling my story. He told me that 'his gut told him' there was more to my story. Still a little 'gun shy' from the Sports Illustrated debacle, I was apprehensive. We had a 20 minute conversation where I expressed my concerns. The only way I would agree to do the piece was if he could guarantee it would be accurate. Not some 'kooky kicker' or 'punting in the NFL caused a panic attack' bullshit. He then shared with me his own personal experience of dealing with friends and family that suffered from depression. He knew what it felt like to lose a loved one that was depressed. He said he wanted to help me break the stigma that comes with depression and bipolar disorder. He said he wanted to make a difference. He was sincere. He gained my trust. So I agreed.
It's so ironic how the disappointment of one story can lead to the telling of the 'real story'. And for it to be produced by such a classy company such NFL Films. I'm looking forward to seeing the final product.
The moral to this story? Patience and staying positive. Working hard and doing 'good works'.
No matter how hard it gets, believing that good things are on the horizon.....................
Believe IT and IT will Be
Wednesday
The ECR's of Bipolar Disorder
Having bipolar disorder is similar to wielding a razor sharp double-edged sword.We go from one day being unstoppable; on top of the world. Then - ‘Poof’. Our confidence disappears. We wake up (at noon) feeling empty and devastated with destructive ‘chatter’ repeating in our heads. For what?! This is the world of bipolar disorder. The highs can be dangerously high and the lows can terribly low. No end in sight. Lost in the depths of hell. This all changed when I finally accepted ‘who I am’(bipolar) and made the necessary lifestyle changes to live(thrive) a productive life.
You Can Do It!
Panic and anxiety sets in when we don’t know what’s happening to us. It’s like the dreams we have when forgot to study for a test or being late for a meeting. It’s terrible. But you have to trust me on this one - IT WILL PASS. This is the number one fact I want people to know. When you’re in a funk, ride it out. Don’t panic or isolate. Make sure to communicate with friends, family, loved ones. It won’t be easy. We need to break the grip of anxiety through establishing a routine and/or regime. Whether it be reading, yoga, meditation, going for a walk, going to the gym, calling a friend. We need to be active. I mentioned earlier in one of my posts that humans were originally hunter gatherers. They had to move to survive. Well, the same applies to depression.
During my journey, through all the highs and lows, I’ve discovered that there are three(3) pillars that must be build and maintained in order to support bipolar disorder (our gift) : Education, Communication and Respect.
For starters, we must be honest with what we see in the mirror. There is an imbalance that needs to be addressed. And if done properly, we can change the world. However if not addressed, it could be fatal. The trick is to surround ourselves with a solid support team, get our moods stabilized (w/meds and/or holistically), consciously make an effort to reinvent ourselves and adapt to our new way of life.
Educate
First we must learn how to use it. It’s very tough to take a test when you haven’t studied and/or don’t have the answers. Once diagnosed, it’s very important to educate ourselves on the history of bipolar disorder and the many symptoms that go with it. In addition to assisting those diagnosed, there are many books, websites and publications that can help educate our friends, family and co-workers. I highly suggest it be a team effort. It’s a family illness and should be treated as such. Knowing what goes into our bodies and how our brains react to such foods, medicines and drinks is essential.
Communicate
Communicating with our doctors, therapists and family members is probably the most important aspect of living with bipolar disorder. Initially, much of our pent up anger will surface. As in any recovery, this is natural. Keep a journal. Chart your moods and Purge the negative thoughts and grudges. Take the time let your inner circle know how you feel. If your meds need to be adjusted, talk to your doctor/therapist immdeiately. Go online and join a support group or start a blog (I did). We need to always stay on top of our moods (meds). In addition to our life adjustments, our inner circle (family) needs to make the effort to LISTEN to US as well. In most cases this will be unchartered territory. But that’s the beauty of recovery. Like it or not, bipolar disorder is a family illness, so all those involved will need to participate. It will be a life changing experience and a great opportunity to be ‘reintroduced’ to family. You’ll finally find out who your true friends are. Unfortunately you’ll have to let some of them go. This is life.
Respect
The final pillar is that of respect. The respect of bipolar disorder. We must respect the power of bipolar disorder. Always pay attention …Stay focused…. mind, body, spirit. With bipolar disorder, we must be cautious but never scared. It’s possible to guide our gift. Steer it any direction we choose – Good or Bad. Just remember, as Layne Staley said – “Our Pain Is Self Chosen”. This means we need to be careful when start to drift into our ‘old ways’. Make a bold highlighted note in your journal of how you felt at your lowest point……..your PAIN. Never forget the hole you were in and never risk going there again simply because you want to feel’ just a little better’. I call this ‘getting greedy with our mania’. In the beginning of our recovery, 9 times out 10, as soon as our funk flips to our cozy hypo-manic bliss, we all have amnesia when it comes to our pain…..Danger Will Robinson!! The ‘extracurricular activities of the past’ need to be just that – The Past. When you get the urge, take out your journal and read your notes on ‘Pain’. Circle it. Feel it. Taste it. .............. You have a choice.
Good Luck to All - GM
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