I've always had the desire to contribute to the growth of
others. Time, energy and lots of money were thrown to the wayside in order to
make other people happy. In retrospect, this was my way of not dealing with my
own issues … taking on the role of ‘the helper’.
It’s been almost 10 months since I entered a treatment
facility to deal with the aftermath of a manic episode that lasted the good
part of the last 3 years. I now know that I wasn't in as good space, even
though at the time I thought I was being ‘productive’.
By making a conscious decision to discontinue coping with
drugs and alcohol, I've begun to see life in a new light. And this light
continues to illuminate many issues I've been depressing for years.
The fog has lifted. And I've only begun to deal with the
many emotional issues that date back to my early childhood. But I have to
accept them, accelerate through them and conquer them. Period.
Q – What’s the best thing about recovery?
A -We get our emotions back.
Q –What’s the worst thing about recovery?
A -Yup, we get our emotions back.
My desire to truly know what love is and having the ability
to give it unconditionally is very high on my ‘growth list’. My past relationships
have been more like possessions; taking prisoners if you will. ‘Do as I say and
I’ll be happy’.’ Don’t cross me and everything will be fine.’ They were the
epitome of superficial relationships based in fear, convenience and
self-centeredness. Not having the ability to appreciate people for who they
are….Looking at people as objects vs. loving human beings. I would unknowingly
judge them on their potential. While at the same time always hoping they would ‘come
around’ …. Develop into who I wanted or needed them to be. Not cool.
Looking outside of my ‘self’ for happiness has also been a
thorn in my side. Trying to fill the ‘God hole’ with possessions, success,
acknowledgements and money is a recipe for disaster. And I’m dealing with the
consequences as I write this. Money and success have been major motivational
factors for as long as I can remember. I now know I was programmed to think
this way and by the grace God I’ve been given the opportunity to adjust my game
plan and remove this illusion from my consciousness.
The Remedy is Love
The only way we can be ‘whole’ is to look within vs. without.
Nothing external is going to fulfill our desire to be loved. We must love
ourselves first. This takes compassion, acceptance and humility … traits that
I’ve never considered important until recently. I’ve always had a ‘kind heart’,
a trait I can trace back to my mother (and father). But unfortunately this
‘kind heart’ frequently had conditions.
Conditional love is the work of Darkness. Constantly
reminding us to take all we can get without thinking of others. When selfishness
is inadvertently instilled in us at a very young age, it’s a difficult habit to
break. But once broken, we finally have
the ability to think of others first. Give of ourselves and not look for
anything in return. This is the true essence of Love. In the book, ‘The Road
Less Traveled’, M Scott Peck defines Love
as “the extending of one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or
another’s spiritual growth”. Wow.
Not taking the opportunity to face my demons would be a
tragedy. A tragedy because of what would be lost. I need to take advantage of
the opportunity to assist others in working through the same emotional issues
that have plagued me for years. When it comes right down to it, I've had to
snap out of the ‘blame game’ and use my new found knowledge to access the
infinite wisdom that is embedded in my DNA. There are no shortcuts. We can’t
wait on others to save us. We have to ‘attack the day’ and endure the pain that
comes with spiritual growth.
Looking at pain as a ‘price of admission’, we ultimately
realize that spiritual growth is a gift. Spiritual growth is luxury that
requires us to accept the necessary pain that will lead us to the joy of
recovering from our past. Accepting this path to enlightenment, we will
ultimately feel gratitude for the wisdom that we've attained.
Change Hurts
It’s difficult to embrace change. Change is hard. Change is
scary. But change is the only thing in this world we can count on. Nothing
stays the same…ever. We can reminisce about what we had or where we've been,
but always knowing that it’s the journey we need to focus on. Change and growth
are painful. And to take a quote from the movie, ‘Prometheus’, “The trick is to
not mind the pain”.
Wayne Dyer often speaks about ‘enjoying the mystery’ of
life. Once we realize that life is both mysterious and painful, we open
ourselves to all the joy that life provides. So many of us are scared of growth
and the pain that comes with it. To finally take the first step towards healing
the past, enjoying the present and being optimistic about the future …. This is
the true meaning of liberation.
Courage is being scared to do something and making the
choice to do it anyway. So do it scared. It gives us the opportunity to smash
our Ego and break the chains that have been holding us back from fulfilling our
destiny. We must embrace the pain, move through it and look forward to the joy
that awaits us on the other side.
GM
