After 12 yrs of dealing with BP, I've finally come to terms with the power of BiPolar Disorder. I'd been in denial for a good part of those years, not wanting to let go. Trying to control it. Own it. Make it work. My on again off again love affair w/ drugs and alcohol led me down a path of destruction that was totally avoidable. Yes, I was 'misunderstood', constantly searching for "The Why". I would ride the highs and fightkickscratch through the severe lows. Once the sun peaked through my black cloud of depression, I always allow amnesics to set in. "That wasn't that bad". And off I went. Back to my old ways. I loved when my brain would 'burn'. When I could put a pen to my journal and sizzle. Whether it be a movie premise, business idea, conceptualizing an event or designing a space. Optimistic. Eager to test my limits. Trial and much error. The rage to master. It must've been terrifying to my loved ones to see me spin out of control. Tough. I'm going for it. I'm OK. Let's go.
Sometimes slowly but always surely, I would find myself in the same rut as before. What happened? What was I thinking? The fact was that I didn't respect BiPolar Disorder. The disease. The Gift. Much like a finely tuned race car, BP must be maintained. Managed. A cerebral garden that needs to be kept. We need to have a support system in place. The inner drive(will) to carry on. The ability to fight. The willingness to accept the truth about our illness - that it is real. And in time, this truth(the why) will set you free.
I'm very grateful for the way my friends/family have handled my journey. We really find out who our true friends are during the tough times. I know we all love our mania. But I've found that as each high and low pass, I prefer to stay just slightly left of center(hypo). And this achieved by staying on top of your meds. Making a point to exercise. A healthy diet and an open mind.
Keep on keepin on - GM
1 comment:
I respect!
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