The ECR's of Bipolar Disorder

            

            Having bipolar disorder is similar to wielding a razor sharp double-edged sword.We go from one day being unstoppable; on top of the world.  Then - ‘Poof’. Our confidence disappears. We wake up (at noon) feeling empty and devastated with destructive ‘chatter’ repeating in our heads. For what?! This is the world of bipolar disorder. The highs can be dangerously high and the lows can terribly low. No end in sight. Lost in the depths of hell. This all changed when I finally accepted ‘who I am’(bipolar) and made the necessary lifestyle changes to live(thrive) a productive life.             

                  You Can Do It!

           Panic and anxiety sets in when we don’t know what’s happening to us. It’s like the dreams we have when forgot to study for a test or being late for a meeting. It’s terrible. But you have to trust me on this one - IT WILL PASS. This is the number one fact I want people to know. When you’re in a funk, ride it out. Don’t panic or isolate. Make sure to communicate with friends,  family, loved ones. It won’t be easy. We need to break the grip of anxiety through establishing a routine and/or regime. Whether it be reading, yoga, meditation, going for a walk, going to the gym, calling a friend.  We need to be active.  I mentioned earlier in one of my posts that humans were originally hunter gatherers. They had to move to survive. Well, the same applies to depression.

            During my journey, through all the highs and lows, I’ve discovered that there are three(3) pillars that must be build and maintained in order to support  bipolar disorder (our gift)  : Education, Communication and Respect.

          For starters, we must be honest with what we see in the mirror. There is an imbalance that needs to be addressed. And if done properly, we can change the world. However if not addressed, it could be fatal. The trick is to surround ourselves with a solid support team, get our moods stabilized (w/meds and/or holistically), consciously make an effort to reinvent ourselves and adapt to our new way of life.

                                                   Educate

        First we must learn how to use it. It’s very tough to take a test when you haven’t studied and/or don’t have the answers. Once diagnosed, it’s very important to educate ourselves on the history of bipolar disorder and the many symptoms that go with it.  In addition to assisting those diagnosed, there are many books, websites and publications that can help educate our friends, family and co-workers. I highly suggest it be a team effort. It’s a family illness and should be treated as such. Knowing what goes into our bodies and how our brains react to such foods, medicines and drinks is essential.

                                           Communicate

  Communicating with our doctors, therapists and family members is probably the most important aspect of living with bipolar disorder. Initially, much of our pent up anger will surface. As in any recovery, this is natural. Keep a journal. Chart your moods and Purge the negative thoughts and grudges. Take the time let your inner circle know how you feel. If your meds need to be adjusted, talk to your doctor/therapist immdeiately. Go online and join a support group or start a blog (I did). We need to always stay on top of our moods (meds). In addition to our life adjustments, our inner circle (family) needs to make the effort to LISTEN to US as well. In most cases this will be unchartered territory. But that’s the beauty of recovery. Like it or not, bipolar disorder is a family illness, so all those involved will need to participate. It will be a life changing experience and a great opportunity to be ‘reintroduced’ to family. You’ll finally find out who your true friends are. Unfortunately you’ll have to let some of them go. This is life.

                                                 Respect

      The final pillar is that of respect. The respect of bipolar disorder. We must respect the power of bipolar disorder. Always pay attention …Stay focused…. mind, body, spirit. With bipolar disorder, we must be cautious but never scared.  It’s possible to guide our gift. Steer it any direction we choose – Good or Bad.  Just remember, as Layne Staley said – “Our Pain Is Self Chosen”. This means we need to be careful when start to drift into our ‘old ways’. Make a bold highlighted note in your journal of how you felt at your lowest point……..your PAIN. Never forget the hole you were in and never risk going there again simply because you want to feel’ just a little better’. I call this ‘getting greedy with our mania’.  In the beginning of our recovery, 9 times out 10, as soon as our funk flips to our cozy hypo-manic bliss, we all have amnesia when it comes to our pain…..Danger Will Robinson!!  The ‘extracurricular activities of the past’ need to be just that – The Past. When you get the urge, take out your journal and read your notes on ‘Pain’. Circle it. Feel it. Taste it. .............. You have a choice. 

Good Luck to All -  GM

.

Clarity on Draft Day

    The following is a courageous piece written by my former NFL teammate Craig Veasey. Craig and I are working together in order to raise awareness of mental illness in the NFL.  


                            

                   
                                    
My  Houston Oiler teammate Craig Veasey

April 22, 2010 (NFL Draft Day) 

       20 years ago, on this very day, I was high on life. Life was good, I just went from what I thought was just a life of bad luck, to standing on top of the world, but little did I know! I was a young man with problems, who was just handed the key to Pandora’s box. Football was an unrealistic world, which helped foster my illness; all the while I thought that my actions were just the norm of an NFL player. Alcohol, Promiscuity, Drugs and the excessive spending; that’s normal isn’t it? ..... No, its not. 

      20 years later, I have nothing; all wasted away, including all of my young years. With all of the negative attention given to the actions of a hand full of NFL players these days, is it possible that some of it can be attributed to BPD? 1 divorce and the loss of a relationship with my oldest child later, I final have help, and understanding. It took the love of my wife, Lisa, to not only own up to there actually being a problem, but also to actually accepting and getting help. I was lucky, that Lisa actually graduated with a degree in psychology, and recognized the symptoms, but too many people don’t have that kind of support. 

      I still struggle, and it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, to not give in. Two days ago, I was leaving a building here in Houston, and the police were blocking everyone from entering the parking garage. I noticed the medical examiners van sitting on the far side of the entrance, and an over abundance of police in the area. A building employee standing with us, told us that someone had just leaped from the 7^th floor, to his death.  I had just been there 20 minutes ago. It had to happen exactly after I walked past there. A lady standing with us commented, “It’s never that bad.” No, it really isn’t that bad, but for us with BPD and other mental illnesses, it’s not always that clear. For a moment, I understood what he might have been going through, to make him give up his life. Could he have been helped, yes, we all can, but there must be more understanding.

“I yearned to get better; I told myself I was getting better. In fact, the depression was still there, like a powerful undertow. Sometimes it grabbed me, yanked me under; other times, I swam free.” –Tracy Thompson, The Beast: A Reckoning with Depression

I’m taking my meds …. Now what?!

    This is a very common question for those newly diagnosed with depression and/or bipolar disorder. The answer is not that simple. Due to the fact we’ve dealt with an assortment of highs and lows throughout our lives, which one(level) do we choose to be our normal? What is normal anyway? My normal is/was/ used to be tons of energy, boundless optimism and a drive to take on the world. Ignorance is bliss.

    I've been officially dealing with the stigma of bipolar disorder for 13 years. Before that, I was just crazy. The more I dig into the world of mental health awareness, the more I see those suffering being lumped into categories such as ‘ill’, ‘nuts’, ‘unstable’ and ‘unreliable’. Not cool.  The major reason for this stigma(s) is that the ‘simple minds’ haven’t had the pleasure of feeling the wide range of emotions that come with bipolar disorder. They simply don’t get it. And when something in America isn’t understood, it is criticized………….and most likely “treated’.  Ride the storm, people ……….. it will always pass.

      The hopeless romantic, I believed that people are innately good.  My journey has taught me otherwise. They don’t mean harm. Society has taught them this. But when our presence poses a threat on their job, reputation and/or image, the easiest thing to do is ignor(ant) us. And that’s what they do. Get used to it.

     “What happened to Greg? He used to be such a nice boy”.

     Growing up, most of us tried to fit in. Be one of the ‘in crowd’. We often think - “Why do people look at me like this?”  The answer I’ve found is that we are intriguing, mysterious and constantly misunderstood. Could it be that most people want what we have? The ability to be spontaneous, creative and uninhibited usually brought only frowns and smug comments. So when we finally break, those same people come to our aid……”Are you OK?”.......”What’s the matter?”……. “You’re not acting like yourself”. After years of criticism and unanswered questions, we’ll get to the point of “You want to see crazy?! …. Watch this!"
This is when we go off the grid. We experiment, isolate and fight.  The timing of this revolution is never predictable, but absolutely inevitable.  My D-Day erupted when I was 33.

      Luckily I have a supportive family. It’s taken over 12 years, but I caught my snap. I refrain from judging my self-worth on the opinions of others.  I try to live a healthy lifestyle. I resist seeking happiness in external things.  Some of our brethren aren’t as lucky.  So when you sense a problem, pick up the phone. And be compassionate. Compassionate to those that won’t understand but are willing to help.

    Normal

   Once we’re’ stable’, the real work begins. It won’t be easy, but it’s do-able.  We all need to recover from the social conditioning we’ve been made to believe is the truth. We need to re-invent ourselves and make a conscious effort to establish boundaries and trust the process.

    Communicate. Pay attention to your moods. Set goals. Try to be realistic. Never be too proud to ask for help. And seek advise from those that have dealt with depression and/or bipolar disorder first hand. We have felt your pain and would love to help.  

GM 

NFL Films documentary on Bipolar Disorder

Pretty stoked Steve Sabol at NFL Films has invited me to do a feature on my NFL career. Being one of the few professional athletes to open up about mental illness,  this piece will be  groundbreaking . I will be talking about my career, my current coaching and my battles with bipolar disorder in 1997-present. The topic of bipolar disorder in this interview could  further our goal of breaking the stigma of mental illness. I've got an idea of how to address the forthcoming questions, but I again say I would like some feedback from my readers. \\

I actually think it would beneficial to film our own documentary during the shoot in May. Maybe some creative art student would like to take part. It would be interesting to see the difference between the final products( cuts and editing.)

Let me know if anyone  is interested.

Thanks in advance - Greg

248-752-7572


v

Rise Up

.


          Over the last 18 months, I've been struggling with the "Why?". After many sleepless nights and introspection, I've come to find the answer is "Why not?". Our pain is self chosen. If we want to co-exist with others, we must weed our own garden.  Clean up our act. A 'mirror approach' on stabilization/recovery/productivity will restore order to our families and communities. We must start with a solid Foundation. The Roots. The Base. The Source.

      In rebuilding our family relationships as well as our communities, the one constant is change. And change we must. One person at a time.

    Bad News -  Psychologically, most our neuroses are  formed in our youth....our developmental years of 1- 6 yrs old. After this age, the computer(brain) is hard wired. Each situation will vary depending on predisposition, social settings, abuse, neglect, life's experiences(tragic/joyous), but the table is set.

 Good news - These patterns can be re-molded through education and spiritual growth in the  community as well as the family unit. It is my experience, that if all we all participate with an open mind, the sensitive issues can be  identified and resolved. It will take a team effort. And the entire team will need to rise up and be honest with the person in the mirror.

    Never for a lack of effort, we constantly fail to find each other's 'sweet spot'. This leads to the feeling of never  understood and self pity.  We need to find a way to communicate. Be heard...... given a voice. Meaning we all must not only support social issues, but choose to engage in the  re-building process as well.  As we all know, the lack of communication, or lack of effective communication for that matter, is the main cause for destructive and rebellious behavior. Tone. Context. Verbiage.Prejudice. No matter the reason, the results are always the same.


   In all walks of life, one must realize that our environment is product of our own thoughts and actions; hence we are part of the problem. Our friends,  family and co-workers are in essence a projection of ourselves. If we engage in the deconstruction of the ego(the attachment to external things), we can take the necessary steps to 'peel the onion' and start to grow. We all have a choice. If we choose to address our own issues(take our moral inventory) fearlessly, we can recovery as a family/community. And it starts with the image in the mirror.

Rise Up - GM

                      

 .

Samsara in Detroit

     As I reflect on my childhood, football career and subsequent 12 years searching for my purpose, the most valuable lesson learned is that there will be change, the journey never ends and the work is never done. The root of anxiety is lack of preparation and the inability to adapt.That being said, I'm trying to change.
    'Change' is often heard these days, but where is it? We can't wait for things to miraculously change themselves. We need to do the work. Understand that we create our own existence. And always remember it's not where you're from, it's where you're at. 
    Preparing children for life's challenges needs to be the foundation of their future. Giving them the tools to cope with the journey that lies ahead. Showing them how to do it. There's no better place to start than in the city that needs most - Detroit. No stranger to change, The Motor City is perfect example of how we must press on. Embrace the task, dig in and make a stand. The D is like an uncut diamond. Brush away the outer layer, in lies the gem. 
   The following text shows us that if you plan on it, change can and will  be your greatest ally. And guess what?.........It's never too late.




       'Samasara' by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

Samsara literally means "wandering-on." Many people think of it as the Buddhist name for the place where we currently live — the place we leave when we go to nibbana. But in the early Buddhist texts, it's the answer, not to the question, "Where are we?" but to the question, "What are we doing?" Instead of a place, it's a process: the tendency to keep creating worlds and then moving into them. As one world falls apart, you create another one and go there. At the same time, you bump into other people who are creating their own worlds, too.

The play and creativity in the process can sometimes be enjoyable. In fact, it would be perfectly innocuous if it didn't entail so much suffering. The worlds we create keep caving in and killing us. Moving into a new world requires effort: not only the pains and risks of taking birth, but also the hard knocks — mental and physical — that come from going through childhood into adulthood, over and over again. The Buddha once asked his monks, "Which do you think is greater: the water in the oceans or the tears you've shed while wandering on?" His answer: the tears. Think of that the next time you gaze at the ocean or play in its waves.

In addition to creating suffering for ourselves, the worlds we create feed off the worlds of others, just as theirs feed off ours. In some cases the feeding may be mutually enjoyable and beneficial, but even then the arrangement has to come to an end. More typically, it causes harm to at least one side of the relationship, often to both. When you think of all the suffering that goes into keeping just one person clothed, fed, sheltered, and healthy — the suffering both for those who have to pay for these requisites, as well as those who have to labor or die in their production — you see how exploitative even the most rudimentary process of world-building can be.

This is why the Buddha tried to find the way to stop samsara-ing. Once he had found it, he encouraged others to follow it, too. Because samsara-ing is something that each of us does, each of us has to stop it him or her self alone. If samsara were a place, it might seem selfish for one person to look for an escape, leaving others behind. But when you realize that it's a process, there's nothing selfish about stopping it at all. It's like giving up an addiction or an abusive habit. When you learn the skills needed to stop creating your own worlds of suffering, you can share those skills with others so that they can stop creating theirs. At the same time, you'll never have to feed off the worlds of others, so to that extent you're lightening their load as well.

It's true that the Buddha likened the practice for stopping samsara to the act of going from one place to another: from this side of a river to the further shore. But the passages where he makes this comparison often end with a paradox: the further shore has no "here," no "there," no "in between." From that perspective, it's obvious that samsara's parameters of space and time were not the pre-existing context in which we wandered. They were the result of our wandering.

For someone addicted to world-building, the lack of familiar parameters sounds unsettling. But if you're tired of creating incessant, unnecessary suffering, you might want to give it a try. After all, you could always resume building if the lack of "here" or "there" turned out to be dull. But of those who have learned how to break the habit, no one has ever felt tempted to samsara again.


We'd all love to live with the naiveté' of a puppy; thinking life is going to go off without a hitch. Fact is life is tough. And the sooner our youth are given the tools to cope, the better.GM

Suicide Is Not An Option

Love is the center.

Acceptance the goal.

Destruction abundant.

Doing 'time in the hole'.

Our fear of the truth.

Of never being enough.

How funny when we get there.

We fuck it all up.

Why do we do it?

Spin out of control.

What is our purpose?

Will we ever be whole?

Our burning question.

Is it worth it...... this fight?

Just as legend has it.

We must fight for that right.

You've gotta make it.

It's all in your mind.

You've got a message to carry.

And delivered on time..............

.GHM

Utterly

.This poem was recently posted by Herman Le Roux on the Facebook group page , Bipolar(s) Supporting Bipolars.

Somes it up.......Thank you, Herman

Utterly

   by Herman Le Roux


Utterly lonely, utterly sad
Feelings of desperation, utterly bad
Utterly brilliant, utterly bored
Utterly cut by this two edged sword.
Utterly loving and utterly glad,
Utterly passionate about the thoughts of mad

Would I change this utter world of me
For one where every moment can just be?

For one of mundane and always the same,
Without regret and without blame?

Would I take a world of only light?
Where there is not this life and love fight?

Or would I choose one of darkness and fear,
A one where thought are stuck in one gear?

Would I change all of this for one plain and true?
Where sun is just sun and blue is just blue?

I thought about that, of a life free of pain,
In exchange for one where there is no passion to gain.

And may answer is this, yes
I would for a day,
Go to that normal, life that people say
Is part of billions and billions of men,
But I know that I would return to my own when,
My passion for love and life return
With its feelings of hate and love that can burn

A mark in this world that will evermore be,
Because you see that is this,
This life called me.


.

About a Weak Back........

       I've been off the radar for a couple weeks. In my former years......as a NFL punter.......the many years of throwing my leg up over my head has led to a plethora of injuries(hip, back, legs,neck) that have required(need) surgery. Like clockwork, 2-3 times a year, the scar tissue and bone fragments around the L4 in my lower back shift into a position where my torso locks up due to sciatic nerve pressure. I'm guessing the 36 hr car ride to AZ didn't help the issue.


    The loss of physical activity (golf, gym workouts, cardio) usually leads me to a funk......which it did. This simply reminds me that I(we) must stay active. Keep moving. Our descendants were hunter gatherers. Case in point, when we stop moving, our brains will have too much time. Too much time to think....into the past and into the future. 


     Lack of activity and/or reading will lead to atrophy in both our bodies and our minds. So keep moving people. Stay in the moment.  I was reminded that whether it be a physical and/or mental ailment, we must stay focused, stay strong and stay active. And remember take an aggressive approach to wellness. GM